friends

to move forward

tuesday's coming and i'll be sure to bring my hat

i'm nervous and excited about this attempt at therapy.

i know i need help. i want it. i can't get explanations from him. maybe i can get them from someone else.

why am i the way that i am?

hopefully we will soon find out.

not gonna get into the drug issue right now.

james hasn't talked to me in a month.
part of me feels like it's my fault for giving up.
he wanted to be with me in the first place because i said i didn't care, i was going to be there for him, no matter what. he was worth it. i'd wait forever.

part of me still feels the same way. que the guilt.

i'm by no means an attention seeker. i prefer the attention and focus not to be on me most of the time actually.

but i just felt like he didn't care. he gave me the boot out of his life. he moved on and lied to me and didn't give me the time of day. all after telling me he loved me and how special i am to him.

everyone is so sick of hearing about him.
there's just always so much more than anyone realizes.
maybe i am just a doormat.
i don't know.
i hope to find out.

i'll write more later about this. i always do heh.

i just got 3 new arnold swarchenegger movies so now i pretty much have all my favorites. i forgot about last action hero but i could live without it for now. it was good but not enough for me to retract a statement that made me excited and smile for a second. commando, terminator 2, total recall, twins, junior and kindergarten cop ftw!

also everyone at work got me a zune so i can play my playlists finally without my mp3 player breaking haha. sometimes they are so sweet to me and i feel terrible that i'm not there for people as much as i should and could be.

i hope to be stronger soon.

still not sure if i'm going home for christmas and it's in 6 days.
no one has offered to cover any of my shifts.
and it's been snowing.
i kind of hope i just get snowed in.
i need a break from my life.

such calming music

[Dec. 15th, 2009|12:28 am]

coming from such a volatile subject

again - so much to say

but i won't

pouring my heart and soul all over the world

it's exhausting owning up to every fault and flaw

it's bad enough they're always on display

i fear that i will never change for the better

i have to pee
and wax my legs

not at the same time, of course

self inflicting pain is sometimes beneficial
it reminds me that i'm still alive

can i has some more battlestar galactica now?
season one is done and i really liked the ending.

i can dish it out

[Dec. 14th, 2009|05:40 am]

[

music

diffuser - why

]

but i can't take it

sleep should be so appealing now since it's already past 5:30am.

good thing i plan on sleeping the day away.

my only day off in a long time. or so it seems.

i have a lot to say. but don't feel like doing it right now.

i hurt all over. my hands hurt. my knees hurt. and you know,that useless organ known as a heart.

and my feet. my poor feet.

i just threw my shoes in the garbage. right had a hole on the top. left on the bottom. shooting pain throughout my feets and to my knees. no bueno.

gonna find my old gym shoes from middle school. i hope they still fit and aren't full of mouse turds.

anyway

12/13/2009 3:54 PM
To: justine never knew the ru...

hes fine. hes been staying with me actually. we havent been drinking any more than ususal hah. hes doin fine.

so i can stop worrying. start hating. i'm so back and forth it drives me nuts.

read some more of that book today. nail on the head.

thanks for the issues mom and dad.

mm it smells like toast. blast!

time for sleep. tomorrow shall consist of lots of sleep....and possibly baking and laundry.

also have to pay my target bill.

gnight.

oh to be someone else just once

[Dec. 13th, 2009|03:12 am]

[	mood	\|	worried	]
[	music	\|	battlestar galactica	]

sometimes i wish i drank
so then i could blame my stupidity on alcohol

i have no excuses for my actions
maybe that's why i get upset when others don't own up to them

stupid deed of the night :

1:43 AM
To: Mikey Buckwild [paper cha...

i know you probably don't think much of me and are probably going to delete this right away. but i figured i'd take a chance and send it anyway.
i feel terrible about everything that happened with james. if i could fix it all and take it back i would. it breaks my heart to know that i've hurt anyone, especially him.
all i want is to know if he's okay. i don't know if his parents kicked him out. i don't know if he's drinking himself to death. i've been so worried about him and there's no one i can really ask except for you.
i know it's sad and pathetic i'm even sending this. i don't want to come off as crazy because i'm not. i'm just a worrier and i still care about him. he's reaching out for help and i just hope someone is extending a helping hand.

i'm not sure what to expect in return.

i'd love to know that he's okay and safe. moved on most likely. but at least he'd be okay.

if not i'm assuming terrible and still moved on.

either way. i hope for an answer to this one question at least.

going against everyone's advice

but they don't know him like i do.

he may have lied about everything
but i don't know for sure

i'd hate to think someone would go out of their way to lie about such elaborate things
such sensitive subjects
such personal and painful experiences

he's a child who has been hurt and doesn't know how to deal

i know what that's like

lack of sleep is catching up with me

[Dec. 12th, 2009|02:50 am]

night #2 where i've fallen asleep on poor ben.

yet i never get enough sleep.

i plan on sleeping all of monday away.

i used to look forward to that day so much.

talked to brandy about the situation today. i hadn't really gotten to in a while. and we didn't finish. but yet again i am filled with regret. i feel like a terrible friend.

i should have just waited. put my feelings aside. what do they matter anyway? he'd never want to be with me. it'd never last. i don't want the things that everyone else does.

all i want is to make everyone else happy. and i failed with him.

:-/

i feel so awful. i never know where he's living or if he's alive. i'm too scared to call because i know he doesn't care.

they never do.

:-/

[Dec. 10th, 2009|04:38 am]

they are gone

i didn't get to see ariana today
but she called to say thank for you for her early christmas present

went to lunch with kelly, brian and jacen
we played, made videos and had lots of bathroom trips
lolz
i'm going to miss the kids like crazy
started crying on the way home

i hope he remembers me

i'm alone in virginia

what's my next move?

1 comment|post comment

it's setting in

[Dec. 9th, 2009|02:27 am]

the anger
started filming

the emptiness

the kids are gone tomorrow. today i saw them for the last time for years and years.
who knows when i'll see them next.
it's gonna be forever.
the next time i see them jacen isn't even going to remember me.

everyone i love leaves me
i can't hold onto anyone

i have nothing to look forward to